The sun rises on Thursday and I’ve just woken up. Today is the day of GCSE results and I’m stressing over my result. A usual day for me whenever something big is happening.
Every minute my mind races faster and faster, thoughts instantly turn to the worst case scenario, what if I fail? Where do I go next? Why did I fail? Why did my teacher screw me out of a good grade? I ask myself over and over again.
I manage to maintain these sort of rapid fire thoughts at bay while I carry out exercises and housework.
As Jack and I are about to leave the thoughts have come back and even worse. I think I’m gonna get grade 2? I need to see Tim afterwards about classes! My teacher should be sacked! My inner monologue spills out into my public dialogue.
As I sit on the x21 these thoughts drive me crazy as my stomach churns and tumbles. My breathing pattern becomes slower and more intense I become more reserved and as I walk up to the counter to claim my results. The world pauses as every step continues.
Then the envelope is opened, the slip comes out and as I peer through the paper to find my grade. I see the number 7 and work out it’s a grade A. I’m most cases people begin to celebrate Yet I begin the act of self-punishment.
I Start to question whether this is a joke? Has someone given me a fake sheet? I didn’t get grade A There’s a mistake. I Spend hours bullying and lowering my own worth.
This is my least favourite thing about my condition, I am always my biggest critic and bully. No matter what I do I will always find fault with myself. It’s the nature of Aspergers.
I have at points been so critical of myself, So much that I resort to self-harm and injury. At a very young age during the diagnoses, I smashed my head of a table and almost knocked myself out unconscious. All because I made a small mistake.
It’s Even worse after a meltdown. When I have a meltdown and everything comes crashing down I begin the self-bullying. It’s horrible and I wish I could just stop.
Even though after ten years, I am able to restrain and manage it better I will always have to deal with it and hopefully one day in the future this won’t happen.
Stay tuned next week for the next exploration of my Aspergers as I talk about the coping strategies I have built and use in everyday life.
For Journaling thoughts on autism, I’m Jordan Dodds.